What does it mean to deserve?

Thoughts on love, service, and the divine.

It’s a gray day in May and while the Earth springs forth out of its winter slumber, I am finding it hard to spring forth out of my cozy bed. Some days I feel this heaviness upon waking — as if nothing in the future holds joy or meaning. The state of the world, the wars, the inequality, all make it hard to feel that I deserve this relatively comfortable life where nothing is imminently wrong.

Eventually, perhaps after a long day of work and caring for our home, I will make it to the woods alone where I will take my first breaths with awareness of the gift of life.

“I need to do this more,” I think to myself.

Listening to the sounds of the forest, my eyes find the horizon. My favorite lookout is a secret to many, hidden on a ridge overlooking the entire valley. It’s a deeply healing view — there are almost no signs of human activity. Only the faint outline of the cell towers on top of Mt. Tom, far in the distance.

Finally, I remember why I am worthy of this life. This freedom.

The trees speak to me like ambassadors of the Earth’s collective knowledge. Swaying, green, firm, they know who they are and yet they never become separate from the web of the forest. Their leaves are busy soaking up the sun’s light, gratefully receiving sustenance and using it to grow closer to the heavens.

I try to do the same. I turn my face upward, catching the sun in the corners of my eyes I expand my awareness to include the entire horizon, the periphery, the forest, the rock beneath my bare feet. I grow a little taller, reaching my spine into the full expression of its neutral curves.

This feeling… this is what it’s like to be worthy of the love of the divine. So simple, like leaves turning toward the sun.

In this moment, I know that life is worth living. I know that I’m here for a purpose, and that I deserve to be breathing this air along with all the other beings on this planet.

The word “deserve” comes from the Latin “deservire” — to serve completely. To deserve something is to be fully in service such that we are worthy of receiving.

The more we offer ourselves in service to something, the more we deserve to receive the same.

I offer myself in service to life — to this wild and incredible opportunity we have to breathe and love and visit this planet for a short time.

And maybe, the more I serve, the more I will feel like I deserve.